doUble tRoubLe... (PART 1)

beEn a loNg tIme siNce yOu aRE soMehoW gOne...
quIte depRessIng thOugh iT doEsnt sEems LiKe...
cHanGes aRE tAking pLace tOo faSt ..
tIll i cAnt evEn foLLow tHe fLow oF iT...
plUs i dUn nOe hOw tO dEal wiTh tHat kiNd oF siTuatIon...
esPecIAlly Wen yOU're gOne...
juSt fOr yOu tO kNow, i kEpt soMethIng fRom yOu..
cANt resISt oF not teLLing yOU buT i wILL teLL yOU hEre...
afTer nOt hEaring frOm yOu foR sOOOo loNg, iT's dRivIng mE cRazy...
oR shUd i Say, i cAnt tuRn to yOu wEn i haVe tHings to shAre..
reAlly am dePressIng buT i pRetEnded tHAt nOthin haPPen..
boTTliNG uP tHe feEling of stRess-nEss, anGry-nEss, LOsT..
knOwing thaT thIngs are noT gOing tO b beTTer fOr thE tImes tO cOme...
I juST wiSh dAt yOu are stiLL dEre tO guiDe mE thRu diS shIts...
buT i nOe thAT's IMPOSSIBLE...

evErytIme i decIded to pUt mySelf inTo trOuble, thE iMage of yOu will aPpear..
somEhow is gOod coZ i gOt to sEe yoU...
buT it mAke me fEEl guiLty afTer tHat...
kNowiNG thAt dEre'S No Way i CUd liE oR kiP thIngs frOm yOu...
hMMmm...
thIngs juSt  gEttIng tO bE mORe hAywiRE...
Hate iT tO thE mAx...

TO BE CONTINUED....

sudden lost...

-you just left w/o saying anything-

- i wonder why but it hurts though nothing is being mention-

- hoping you would come back coz i need you this time-

- to be someone whom i could talk to b4 wrong things is done-

- lost -

stuPid miStaKe...

A daY thAt i cuD caLled myseLf stuPid... or mayB jUst aliTtle biT & mayb mOre la hOr blUr to thE max... How cuD i eveN miSs 1 patHetiC oRder fyOr thE vesseL??? GoShhhh!!!! ReallY am disAppoIntEd wiF myselF... FoR daT kenA souNd by smALl boSs & teAm lEader.. DerE gOes my oRder tO veSsel... WonDerinG wAt is happEning tO mE dIs fEw dAes... Too sTress till iTs liKe liteRally affEcting mE.... PleAse loR... I waNna haF a strEss fRee liFe stYle... I jst wAnnA b hAppy & enJoy liFe tO thE fuLlest.. & noT beIng saD & huRt dEep inSide... & beIng somEonE daT im not suppOsed to bE... JusT liKe prEteNding... HoPing dat dIs stupId oR blUr siDe of me woNt haPpen agaIn... AngMo boSs sAe,"Faeza, I nOe you can dO it!! I'm confident in you getting more orders in the long run.."... SomehOw it makEs mE thInk dat i shUd do smTh tO impRove mySelf.. ImpOrtanTly is tO foCuS moRe & tiNk lEss... HopEfully i cUd do iT... At this tiMing im stIll waitIng fOr yoUr msgEs & call aS pRomIsed.. But i guEss it woNt hapPen... I noE you're weRking... So iT's liKe nEvEr minD... FullY undErstooDed... BeeN a lOng tiMe siNce i sAw you... thouGh deRe's liNe btWen uS, i stIll wAnna miT you & hug you & sae... I MiSs yOu!!!

LiNe dRawn...

ThAt lIne tHat i cuD nEvEr cRoss oVer... BefOre i stRt wiTh anYthIng. I wAnna sAy smTh thAt you miGht noT nOe... I reAlly cRied ytD wHen i tAlk tO yOu... NoT bCoz oF tHe scOldIng buT inStead tHe wAy yOu reAlly shOw mE... THe wAy yOu reActEd toWards thIngs tHat haPpenEd & goIng tO hapEen tO mE.. ThE coNcern paRt tHat reAlly maKe mE fEel sO vEry touChed bY it... ThE feEliN tHt maKe mE fEels tHat iM bEing taKen cARe oF... ThE fEeliN tHat maKe mE fEels tHaT i mEan sO muCh iN yOur liFe thOugH wE caNt b anItiN... Im sO stUboRn & i nOe daT.. Im soRry i maDe yOu anGry yeSteRday... Im juSt uSed tO tHe faCt tHt pEoplE onLy sAE thEy aRe conCern & all buT thEre's no acTions foLlowiN dAt... AcTions sPeaKs loUDer dEn woRds... I juSt haTe dAt kiNd oF pEoplE & i dUn wAn tO puT oN hOpe on thOse pEopLe... DaTs y i nEveR hOpe thAt you wUd gO tO thE extEnt tO reAlly shOw yOur coNcerN tO mE... AfTerall iM nO1 tO yOu... JuSt a PaSser-by... NoThin moRe thAn tHat... BuT i nEver reGret bEing iN tHat kiNd oF poSitIon... A pAssEr-by tHat gOt tO fEel tHe reAl meAnIng oF LOVE & beIng loVe bY soMeonE spEciAl... SoMethIng thAt i dUnt knOw i'll gEt tO fEel tHat agAin in tHe futUre.. I dUn nOe & i duN wAnna lOok foRwArd tO thE futUre... Im juSt scAred tO lOose wAt i Have nOw.. LoOse somEonE thAT reAlly spEciaL to mE tOooo fAst... Im serIouSly arEnt pRepaRe fOr iT... ThOughh i loOk as iF i Am buT dEep dOwn iM nt... I dUn noE iF i cUd dO dAt w/o maKing mySelf huRt... WAt i cUd enSure yOu is dAt i'll moVe oN frOm yOu fOr suRe.. JuSt tHe maTtEr oF tIme... I'll liE tO mySelf fOr thE tIme beIng daT yOu're buSy.. ThUs, yOu canT b dEre aS lAst tIme.. ThOugh i noE it's noT suPpose tO bE tHat wAy... CoZ dEre's no oTher beTter wAy fOr nOw... MayB or sOon i'll fInd soMethiN thAt cUd maKe mE bUsy sO i woNt alWays tHinK abOut yOu.. I juSt hOpe tHat yOu woNt cHange thIngs tOo dRastIcaLly.. COz tiLl nOw i'm liKe suFfeRing inSide... PlEase duN.. I nOe yOu wAnna pRepAre mE fOr thAt tIme tO cOmEs.. BuT noT tOo muCh aT 1 tIme... If yoU reAlly gOT hEart fOr mE... OR shUD i sAy stIll cARe fOr mE... HopE tO sEe yOu sOon... I miSs yOu... :(((

UpdAtiN abOut yOu & mE...

Hi dEre... BeeN a loNg tiMe siNce i lAst sAw you... I dO reaLly miSsinG yoU eVery nOw & dEn... I wiSh yOu reAlly noE dAt.. HaiX... So soRry tHat i fEll aSlp ytD... KiNda slPy plUs i tOt yOu woNt wAnt tO mSg mE... Mayb dUe tO bz-neSs oR maYb yOurE jUst dRawiN yOur liNe btWn uS... BuT i Dun miNd cOz i noE yOurE dOIng all Dis fOr oUr gOod... HaVe tO accPt iT deN... HmMmm... StIll tHinking abOut wAt yOu toLd mE ytD... ZulaiSaha simiLar liKe mE... TalkIng tO heR reMinds yOu oF mE... WoNdEr iF daT reAlly bcOz yOu miSses mE oR oNli bCoz oF oUr simiLaritiEs... OHhh wEll... IT dOesnt rEallY mattErs... I noE yOu woNt miSs mE liKe alWaes... OR shuD i Sae daT yOu woNt saE daT you reAlly miSseS mE... QueStIons fOr yOu... 1) y are you nOt rePlyiN tO my qS ytD??? Qs daT i MsgeD yoU afTer yOu faLl asLp... 2) y are yOu alWaes taKing abOut lEaviN mE & so On??? IsnT it enUf for yOu tO jSt drAw yOur oWn liNe fOr yOurself??? Wat's mOre daT yOu waN?? 3) lastly, if yOu reAlly tiNk daT yOu waNna lEt mE gO deN tEll mE earLiEr... I'll dO daT fOr yOu... I'll maKe yOur liFe easIeR frOm dEn oN... I duN wiSh tO trOubLe yOu anImoRe... SomEtIme i jUst dun understand y u must suddEnly taLk abOut all tHis tHings... SomEtIme i jUst fEel dAt yOu reGret knOwing mE... SoMetiMe i jUst fEel myseLf buRdeNing yOu... SomEtiMe i feEl liKe taKing tHe lEad tO lEave yOu toTally & nEver cOme baCk... ThouGh iT's sO haRd fOr mE bUt i will cOz i hAve tO & noT bcOz i Wan tO... EvErytImE yoU taLk oR mSg mE reGardinG lEt mE gO & suMthinG liKe daT, it jSt maKe mE tEars oUt... I noE daT yOu nVr mEant tO lEt mE gO buT you jSt haVe tOo... I noE all daT... OnLy 1 thIng i Dun noE y.... Y muSt yOu rUsh eVerytHing tO eNd... I've bEen WonDerinG abOut daT... Hw i wish i cUd fInd tHe aNsWer mySelf... HaIxxx.... BtW i WannA sAy tHanK yOu tO yOu foR bEing sOoo coNcerN abOut my r/s liFe.. ThanK you fOr bEing dEre weN i niD suM1 bSide me... & thAnk yOu fOr beIng mY mat cIna... My fairYtaLe maT cIna.... Thank You... ByE... :((

090612

A dAe daT symBoliSe somThinG abOut uS... ThE daE wEn wE mEt, b frIend & tIll nOw... ThouGh theRe's ups & dOwnS... ReaLly toT daT i wEnt thRu iT tO muCh foR nw... SomEthImes i juSt feeL liKe giVing uP... It huRTs deePlY inSidE wEn u nOe dAt de 1 u rEaLly exPect tO b dE onE dsNt tuRns tO b... PeopLe makE misTakes buT impoRtanTly u niD to lEaRn frOm it & nt rePeat iT... Dat's thE maIn poInt... BuT sumtIme hE juSt dUn gEt it... 1 poinT of tIme weN hE sAe soRry & thE nxT tiMe u juSt rePeat tHe saMe oLd miStakE... Im jSt siCk & tirEd of tHat... ReAlly maKe mE tinK daT hE's arEnt seRiouS abOut eVerythIng... Hw dO hE exPect mE to tiNk abOut seTtlinG dOwn weN noThin iS pRovEn... TrUe enUf he haVe tHe plUs poInts... BuT if hE caNt mAkE mE haPpy deN wAts dE poInt??? ReAllY hOpe daT hE woNt reAlly cHangE dIs tIme... ThE 1st tIme i nVr wiSh hIm oN oUr aniVErsaRy... BuT i nVr fOrgEt abOut iT.. JuSt pLainly maD aT hiM... TOo eGo tO giF iN... HaIx....

BaCk daTe...

As pEr reQueSt... Im lIke uPdaTiNg tHis cOz latEr gT dIs maT cIna wIll naG & naG dE... HahahahHhHhaha... SoRry hOr mat cIna... Miss yOu BeEn a heCtiC dAy foR tHe pasT feW daE... HoW i Wish i cUd strAnglE daT smAll bOsS... ShE jSt sO crAzy fOr poWer... EvErythIng waN to taKe chArgE de... SmAck hEr dEn sHe nOe... NeVer dIe beFoRe... HmmPhhh?!!!! BesIdes dAt i'm glAd dAt dEre's oRdErs cOminG iN tOoo.... BUt it's jUst dAt im abIt sLow lOr... TaKe tIme tO seTtlE thIngs pLus im hAving addItionAl tHings plUs daTeliNes... DaT's y i hAtE oFfiCe jOb... MaKing mE meNtaLly dRaiNed oUt... AnoTher is thaT, im nOt thOse kInd oF pEoplE who dO tHings halFwaY2 dE... I'll b cOnfUsed mySelf... & daT sMall bOss kEpt asKing mE do dIs dO daT... U tHink i RoboT mEh??? I sTill lEarNing sTagE dE.. STuPid oLd laDy!!! BEeN gOing bAck lAte aT niTe jSt tO fIniSh uP tHe wOrk... PlUs iM dOing eXtra wErk alL bCoz of mY unReasoNabLe tEam lEadEr... I nOe la u Sick bUt dUn tAke adVanTagE oF tHat tO mC eVery tiMe... BOdoH!!!' Ok eNuF oF wOrK & nOw tImE tO sAe abOut my liFe.... THings gOing muCh bEttEr dEn bEfoRe fOr mE... URe stIll dEre wEn i fEel liKe taLKing tO u.. BuT i noE my liMit thOugh i dUn fEel liKe fOlloWing it... URe sTill hErs & i cNt haf u.. NT eVen abit... But atLeast i hAf meMorIes about yoU daT cUd kiP me gOing... PlUs i haF my mA cIna stIll.. Though hE haF tO cHange aliTtle bIt.. BuT imPortAnt tHing iS tHat dEep dOwn hIs hEart, hE stIll loVe mE... HopEfUllY im rIght abOut iT.. AnIwaE, im sOooOo nOt gOing tO foRgEt abOut tHis... MaT ciNa gOt maLay gF... WEeee!!!! YoU dEclaRe dAt n i dUn n cAnT bEliEve daT mySelf... I tOt yOu'rE jSt trEaTing mE lIke fWn.. JUst lIke you alWaes sAe... HmmMmmmmm... WaTs moRe caN i saE... I HAD MY BAN MIAN & IM HAPPY!!!!!!!! To b cOntiNuEeeeee.....

...

MorNing pEoplE.. MakIng my wAe tO wErk bu5 aS uSual,oN tIme kiNd oD bAsis.. CanT rEally wAkE uP tHis moRnIng... SupRisInglY he rEallY dId cAll mE iN thE moRnIng tO wAkE mE uP.. BuT juSt oNcE sO eNdeD uP wEnt bCk tO sLp... HMmm... WAt i rMbeReD iS tHat hE asKed mE tO mSg hIm wEn iM oUt & rEacH wErk... BuT i nVr dId dAt aT all... JuSt dUn fEel liKe... AfTernOon... HAd luNch wiF 2 suPpliErs pLus usuAl pEoPle... BoTh wEre chInesE & bOth at @ mE 1 kiNd cOz i dNt rEally eAt wAt dEy oRderEd.. SoRry sIr... DuN reAlly eAt malAy fOod... Hehe... WEn bAck tO oFfIce & deRe gOes mY hapPy tIme .. TOo mAny thIngs tO hanDle plUs im tOtallY loSt aT tImes.. OrDers... QuOtAtions.. EMails... FaxIng... FoLlow uPs.. DelIvery... WArehOusE... Im nOt a rOboT lOr... BuT manAge tO hanDle iT wiTh tHe heLp oF kaKak & nEighBour... MaNy tHanK yOu tO tHem... :)))) AnIwAee anOtHer oRDer cOminG uP... AlHamDulIllAh... EfFort pUttEd iN wAs weLl pAid oFf... WeN ouT arOuNd 7.45pm... JuSt caNt cOncEntRate anY loNger... DEciDed tO wAste moNey... SerIouslY i'm sO dIsaPpoinTed wiF myseLf.. StRess oSo canT dEal wiTh iT.. MOney harD tO eArN buT hapPilY thRow jSt liKe dAt..? CnT bRliEve it... TotAl spEndIng wAs almOst $200.... JuSt oN haiR trEatmEnt pLus my hAiR dRyer... YoU la aSk mE bUy... HahHhhaha... BuT it's nIce tHough... PlUs wiLl beNefIts mE tOo iN tHe loNg rUnnnn.... WAts' neXt.... Was sUppoSed tO mIt ayAm... BuT i nOe u duN allOw mE tO... BUt cUd c tHat hE lIke dIe2 waNna mIt... HHahah.. NVm lAr hOr.. HE shuDnt plAn tO miT mE on wEekDaes... PLus it's lIke afTer 12midniTe... Im weRkiNg lOr... ThOugh i nOe cNfrm gT reAson as tO y hE acTing lIKe daT... WaNna asK bUt dUn noE hW... Mayb hE gT hiS oWn pRobLem & mayB daTs tHe reAson... HMmMmm.... HoPefuLly hE cUd unDerstAnd.. LEts c iF hE caLl laTer... lalakLLLlalalal.... By nOw i suPpoSed tHaT i'vE rEach hEr pLace... HMmm... ShAll nOt eVen tInk abOut anIthIng... WiLl mAke mysElf bz fOr nW tIll tMr & tHe dAy afTer... BtW happY bDae tO hEr... ShE's dE moSt fOrtuNate giRl tO hAf u iN hEr lIfe... WEi maT cIna!!!! ThAnk yOu fOr wAt u haF dOne fOr mE, fOr wAt u'Ve taUght mE, fOr wAt u'vE sHoweR mE wIf... I'll nVr fOrgEt tHat... SloWlY i'll abLe tO accPt tHe faCt... BUt fOr nW i'll dOing muCh mOre pReteNdiNg dEn bEing sinCerely haPpy... OHh weLl... LIfe hAvE tO moVe oN thOugh pRetEndIng iS sTill a muSt... LalLllalalal... IM juSt waIting fOr mY faiRytaLe tO eNd sOoN... ... LeaVing yOu aNoTher waY tO lOve yOu....

FiSh & cO dAte wiF 2nD siS, bIL & liL' nEphEw....

SumMarIsiNg evErytHing, tOdaY wAs a FinE daY... BeeN lauGhinG & smiLing thRu oUt tHe daY... MoRniNg wAs abIt uPseT abOut tHe thIngs haPpenS tHe dAy bEfOre.. BuT manaGe tO jUst pUt iT bhInd & pReteNd eVerythIng wAs fIne... ReAch wErk aS uSuaL & rouTinE sTarts... NeVer tOt tHat smTh miGht hAppEN tO makE my daY bEttEr.. 1 mSg wEnt iN & it stAted "gd mOrniNg"... SimPle mSg daT reAlly makE mE fEel happY thRu oUt mY daY... ThAnk yOu fOr stIll bEing thEre fOr mE... I juS wiSh yOu wuD nVr gO aWay tOo faR fRm mE... ThOugh i nOe i wuNt gEt aniThing fRm yOu bUt uR pResenTs iS enUf tHat i cUd aSk fROm yOu... WoRk wAs as pEr noRmaL tOday... YoUr msGes kEpT mE accOmpanIed... WAs tOtallY enjOyinG mYselF.. SmiLing & lauGhing in my hEart... At tHe sAme tIme dOing mY werk tIll i dUn reAliSe iT wAs luNch tIme... YoUr caLl, yOur vOice, yOur woRds tElls mE smTh Dat i nVr expEct u tO fEeL by nOw... YoU sTill miSs mE tHoughT at first u nVr tOld mE tHat... I juSt wiSh daT yoUre dEre bSide mE... I tOtaLly forgEt abOuT mY pRobs suDdenLy.. FelT so pEacefUl fOr tHat mOment... HW i wish tHat wud hapPen evEry siNgle dAy... 1 hR bEfOre 6pm, sMall bOss annOunCed a gOOd nEws tO mE... 2 cOnfiRm orDers cAme iN... AlMost 1 wk oF werKing & 4 conFirm orDers i gT... DAt's rEally a nOt baD stArt fOr Me.. ThOugh it wAs quiTe touGh at fiRsT bUt i nVr gaVE uP.. JuSt liKe wAt yOu tOld mE tO... EnCourAging mE... CoNsoLe mE wEn iM dOwn... YOu rEallY heLp mE oUt oN tHat .. ThNK yOu tO yOu... YOu puT in aN eFfoRt juSt tO maKe mE happY... YoU nVr gaVE uP tO makE mE smiLe... HOw i wiSh dEre's sOme1 ouT dEre daT cUd dO liKe wAt yoU are dOing... HOw i wIsh dat hIs cUd dO tHings tHat yOu're dOing nOw fOr mE... HOw i wish mY wiShes arE cOming tRue.. BRoTher iN lAw wAs asKing mE wAt iM pLanIng foR mY fuTUre... MY anS wAs siMpLe... GEt my dEgRee, cOnt wIf mAstEr & wOrk... MaYb cUd cOnt iF i cUd affOrt tO... WHy noT rItE... BuT hE sAes," so aRe yOU gOinG tO b jSt attAcH wIf hiM w/o anI cOmmiTmEnts???" I jSt kEpt siLencE... I tOld hIm daT i wAsNt reAdy fOr all tHis... I dUn noE iF hE's tHe oNe fOr mE... He hasNt b pRovIng tO mE dat hE iS tHe oNe i sHud b wiF... Im sTill havIng dOubts abOut hIm... ThOugh wE're alReadY 2 yeArs plUs toGethEr... BrO iN laW jSt tOo sPeecHlEss tO saY aniThinG... wat hE onLi saY daT i cnt chAnGe a pErsoN buT oNly tHe pErson caN cHange bY tHemself... TotaLly agRee wiF hIm buT daT jS dIdnT hElp in solVing tHe pRoblEm at aLl... StIll hangIng... DiNner wAs gReat... ThOugh i noE i wAs abiT upSet whEn siSter & bRothEr in lAw wAs alWaes askIng abT hIm... TrIed tO noT shOw tHe sAd paRt oF mE.. PRetEndiNg... LIl' nEphEw wAs tHe oNly pErsoN wHo mAke mE lAuGh & foRgEt abOut eVerythIng.. HE's mY eVerytHing.. & i lOve liL' nEpHew sO mUch!!! & i dO miSs yOu at tHe saMe tIme... WENt fOr a wAlk afTer diNner cOz tOo fUll.. WEnt kiDdy palAce... LiL' nephEw fAv pLace tO shOp... JSt loVe tHe sMilE & laUghtEr... MY sWeeTesT dRug... SIstEr mEnTioN iF i WannA mIt hIm afTer dInnEr buT i sAid i WannA gO hOme... SHe saId dAt i sHud maKe tHings rIght bTwEen hiM & mE... WAt iF tHingS bOth oF uS dSNt wOrk oUt... My gRanDMa wIll b sAd.. BUt y mUst ppL b sAd wEn i mySelf am sAd bCoz oF hIm??? JUst bCoz oF ppl dAt i lOve liKe hIm, dA mEans i niD tO gIf in & eNduRe eVerYthIng... DaT's sOoo unFaiR... No dOubTt eVeryOnE wIll loVe hIm cOz hE gOT tHe plUs poInt deRe.. HE noES hW tO ReSpeCt elDerlY, hE gT a gD chaRacTer, looKs... BUt wAt abOuT tHe wAy hE trEatEd mE??? NoboDy noEs... HaiX... I jUst wiSh i cUd rAn awAy fRm all tHis loNgEr... HOw i wiSh i cUd lEave all The pRobLems behInd... HOw i wiSh gOd cud fulFill all mY wiShes... I jUst wAnna b haPpy & smiLe & noT faKing & pUting on a SmiliNg maSk... It's sO nOt hEaltHy... VEry... VerY... NoT hEalThy... IF oNly hE wuD cHange, tHings will b bEtter.. If oNli i cUd tUrn bCk tIme, i wuD cHoose tO b siNgle... If oNli i cUD dO all dAt, i'll b a hAppy bubbly smAll gIrl... IF oNly....

NeW fakIng daY..

MoRniNg tO aLl tHe eArthLings... MoNdAy moRnIng aS uSuAl... LAzy daY tO wOrk... FOr mE iT's lIke eVerydAy lAzy... NO moTivAtiOn aT all... AfTerall, tHe pErsoN wHo alWaeS bEen dEre fOr Me iSnt hEre anImoRe... SO iT's liKe nEw sTart afTErall... AlReadY 7.40am buT im stIll aT hOme nOt gEttIng dRess uP tO wErk... USuaLly dIs tiMing yOu'll nAg n nAg n nAg at mE tO nt b lAte fOr wOrk... ThiNgs haF tO cHange fRom noW oN... LiNe hAf bEen dRawn btWen uS... BE it i Want oR nOt haF tO accPt iT... LiKe WAt yoU sAid ytD, "be cRuel is somEtiMes huManitarIan... TO lEave yOu iS anoTher way fOr mE tO loVe tOu... YOu cuD haTe mE bUt i wOnt haTe yOu bcOz u haTe mE... YOur stiLl tHe speCial oNe dEep inSide mE..." SomEthIng tHat i will alWaes rMbR... SoMethIng thaT sOmeHow huRTs mE baDly... SomEthIng thAt i hAf to aCcpt iT... BuT noW iS nt tHe tIme foR mE to accPT thAt... CoZ im not rEady.. COz mY 2 yrS wiF u is stIll noT uP yEt... JuSt liKe waT u prOmiSe mE... BuT noW tHat prOmiSe noThinG... NoThinG bUt jSt a liE... I duNt noE iF i caN puT uP a mAsk oF a hAppy faCe fRm noW oN... TO facE tHe reAlity oF liFe onCe AgaIn... TO pUll mySelf baCk iN pieCe.. TO sTand fIrm tO thE grOunD & noT fAll baCk dOwn... WiLl liKe bE abLe tO dO daT w/o yOu arOuNd mE aGain???? Y mUst u dRw dIs liNe wHen tHe pArt i niD u tHe moSt??? WEn thE pArt i gOt no1 tO tUrn tO??? THis iS jUst dOubLe fAll fOr mE... HW sHud i b abLe tO faCe all tHis bY myseLf???? :(((((( I woNder...

FuLl mOon...

FuLl moOn wiTnEss uS tHe dAe wE sTarT tO fEel moRetHen a fRiEnd... DaT's tHe beGinnIng oF oUr faiRytAlE... YOu wEre tHere eVery sInglE tIme wEn i neeDed yOu... B iT wEn iM dOWn oR hAppY... URe alWaes 1 mSg aWay fRm mE... NEvEr u fAiLs tO maKe mE sTart mY dAy wIth a Smile & eNd iT wiTh a sMiLe tOo.. UrE jSt sImply diFfereNt fRm oTherS... U noE hW tO dOte mE,carE fOr mE, pamPer mE, taLk tO mE... NOt all arE liKe u... I miSs yOu badlY... ToDay, tHe fUll moOn b mY wItnEss onCe agAin.. WiTnEssIng tHe tEars tHe wET mY cHeeKs.. WAntiNg tO sHout my lUng oUt tHat i HaTe liFe bEing liKe dIs... I'vE accPTeD eVery obStiCles tHat caMe tO mE alL thIs whIle... NEvEr dId i rEgrEt dOing it... I noE daT's alWaes reAsoNs bHinD eVerytHing... BuT i'm jUst dRain ouT... OooHhh plEase cOme hERe... I Really nId yoU... I reAllY miSs yOu... :(( ShuD i jSt giF uP oN loVe??? It huRts alOt... At 1st i reAlly tOt hE's tHe oNe buT y mUst tHings cHangE??? I dId mY vEry bEst tO b niCe & gD gF... I liSteN tO wAt hE sAes & wAnts.. BuT y mUst hE sTill dO tHis tO mE??? Y muSt hE maKe mE cRy & huRt mE...??? WaT dId i dO wRoNg??? PLeaSe tEll mE??? I've tOnE dOwN... I'vE loWer dOwn mY eGo... I'vE loWer dOwn mY stUboRn-nEss... WAts mOre hE Wan fRm fRM mE sO i Can gEt a SimPle loVe, caRe & attEntIon fROm hIm???? HeArtbRokEn....

I wiSh u wEre hErE...

BeIng AlOne iS tHe hOuSe dOIng sOmeThiNg tHat cUd kIp mE AwAY fRm tHinkIng abT yOu... DaT's smTh dAt iS jUst fOr sOmetIme... AfTeR im dOnE wIth iT, iT cAmE baCk tO mE... As iN y mUst i fAcE alL tHiS oN mY oWn... ThOugh i tOt iM attAcHEd buT it'S jSt bY thE naTurE oF stAtUs... HOw i wIsh i cUd haF sUm1 daT cUd tAke cAree oF mE jUst tHe wAy u alWAes Do... I noE iTs imPossiBle... BUt iT's jSt soMetHinG tHat i wiSh fOr... A wiSh daT cUd neVer gOnna hAppEn... By tHis tImE it's eIthEr uR stIll slpG oR oUt wiF hEr... IT dSnt maTtEr at aLl nOw... IM oN mY oWn... DRill Dat iN mY miNd... I juSt hOpE u eNjOy uRseLf wHereeVer u Are... At oNe i tOt i cUd shARe sOrrOws wiTh suM1 i caLleD bOyfrIend... BuT hE's nEveR bEeN dEre at tiMeS i niD hIm... NeVer dId hE paYs attEntIon tO wAt i niD anD lacK oF.. All hE nOes wAs tO makE mE lIsteN tO hiM... BEen sOmetIme tHat wE bOth wEn oUt as a NoRmaL cOupLe.. DaTing, mOvie, shOppIng... JUst fEels so wIerd... All wE dOes wAs tO gO oVer hIs pLace & sLacK.. EVery sinGle tIme... WOndEr iF oTher gIrls cUd toLeraTe aLl tHis... EvErytiMe somEthiNg wAs pLanneD, it wiLl b foR suRe bE caNclEd.. FOr sOme rEeasOn tHat hE cUD cOme oUt wIf... SoMetIme i woNder... Am i Really waSting by blOody tImE wIf a pErsOn tHat dSnt fUlFIll mY nIdS??? Am i Really fUcKinG stUpiD tO jSt pRetEnd tHat eVeryThiNg iS jSt fIne??? Am i rEally duMb tO jSt lEt hIm kiP rEpEatiNg hIs mIstaKe oVeR n oVer AgAin??? Y aM i bEing sUCh a Weak gIrl suDdeNlY nW??? WaT iS tHe heLl happEniNg tO mE nOw??? ReAllY tO mEe!!!! :(((( U tolD mE tO wAkE uP & cOme tO reaLise tHat yOu caNt giF mE anItHing aT all... U toLd mE tO stArT thInkIng abOut my fUtuRe... U tOld mE tO fInd suM1 whO cUd gIf mE wAt i rEally nId.. DAt cUd lOve mE... DaT cUd caRe abOut Me... DaT wiLl nEveR hUrt mE ... DaT wiLl nOt mAke mE cRy.... WeN cAn i Really fUfIll aLl dIs tHings daT u aSk mE tO dO???? I duN eVen nOe whEre tO stARt... WAt i nOe nOw iS dAt i wAnna Run aWay fRm all dIs shIts dAt nVr stOp fRm cOme tO mE... My woRld arD mE bCoMe mORe daRk aS tImE fLiEs... WEn uRe nO loNGer hEre... U'Re alWaes dEre fOr mE wEn iM dOwn... BUt nOt fOr nOw.. :(((( Im hEre alOne fEelIng sO dOwn n dEre's pEoplE daT i cAll bOyfRienD oUt dEre enJoyiNg hImselF... I tOlD hIm tO eNjoy hImseLf bUt i mEant iT sarcasTiclY.. BuT hE diDnT caRe... OR caN i sAe daT hE dIdNt nOe iT... HW stuPid cAn hE b???? JuSt sO dIssAppoIntiNg... CaN i hAf mY oLd liFe bAck???? MY oLd fRiEnDs dAt i cUd tuRn tOo... My oLd liFe dAt cUd mAkE mE sTreSs-fRee... Y mUst eVErytHinG eNd uP lIkE sHiT???? I wAnnA a HaPpy eNDiNg...

PreTendIng sTate...

you miGht nOt liKe mE to pRetEnd bUt i hAf tO... JuZ tO caRry oN wiF mY siMplE lIfe... MaY soUnds eAsy aS tO jUst trEat u as a fWN bUt doIng iT iS a dIffErent tHing... I'll trY mY vEry bEst tO do dAt bUt oNli tIme wIll tEll eVerytHing.. U toLd mE daT i cUd cOnTact mE anYtiMe anIwHere buT it woNt b poSsibLe.. I woNt raNdoMly msG u n sAe i nid ur hElp oR wAt... DE moSt i'll raNdoMly sAe dat i Miss u sOo muCh.. BuT i caNt dO daT anImoRe... Dat's tHe thIng i nId tO tEll mYseLf to chAngE... NoWadAeS, u haF jSt stArT to dRaw liNe btWn uS.. ThouGht u nVr sAe anItin, i stIll caN senSe it... I'm areNt a sMall gIrl daT noEs nUts aBt all tHis... I goT thE fEeliNg uR dOing All tHis tO pRepaRe mE fOr tHe tIme.. SerIousLy, iT hUrts mE wEn u're dOing thAt.. EvEry moMents uR iMaGe caMe tO my mInd, teArs slOwly caME dOwn... SoMetiMe i jSt fEel daT i shUdnt haF knWn u bAck tHen... I shUdnt haF tReat u lIke suM1 spEcial... I nEver tOt Dat uRe so sPecIal to mE tIll it wIll reAlly maKe a Huge imPacT in my liFe... HoW i wiSh i cUd fEeze tHe tIme wEn iM liKe spEndiNg tIme wiF u.... I wAnna b seLf-fIsh aT tImes bUt .... It's nOt reAlly mE at all.. All i WAnna aSk fOr iS tO spEnd mOre tIme wiF yOu... BuT i nOe dAt's aLl iMpoSsiBle... ONly woRks iN faIryTales... & faiRytaLes arE fUll oF lIes... LIes & alWaeS lIes.... U jsT msg mE daT u'll bE tHe haPpiESt pErsOn iF u gT to nOe thAt im bCk to My oWnselF... MaKe mE woNder hOw loNg Will i tAke tO dO daT ... MonThs???? YEars??? I duN evEn nOe.. WaT i nOe iS daT i wIll taKe a vEry loNg tIme liKe hW iT uSe tO b... We shAll jSt wAit n c wAt wiLl hapPen bY tHen... AlwAes wiSh daT u jSt cOnt saYing tHat u miSs mE & evErytHing liKe hW u uSe tO say tO mE... I miSs u lIke dE gUy daT i 1st tAlk tO... Dat alWaes smIle aT mE evErytIme i loOk at hIm... I nOe u waN mE tO trEat u lIke a Fwn bUt pLeaSe tAKe iT slOwly... COz it's kiLliNg mE insiDe... U miGht nOt knOw iT but plEase spAre mE soMe toTs... Day aFter daYs, tHings sloWly cHanging... URe alwAes bZ wiF ur own stUff... DaT i cNt sAe mUch... LeSsser mSging... LeSser tIme talKing oN tHe pHone... No miTing up aniMorE... No 'i miss you' ... NO 'i love you'... NO ' sYg'... NO moRe kiSseS & huGS... ToTallY noThinG... JSt A caSuaL mSgEs... RemIndeRs... :(((( Wat elSe i cUd dO nOw???? WhO cUd i tUrn to??? IM liKe bCk tO squAre 1... KiPping thIng tO mySelf... SloWly all tHe sorrOws alOne.. CRying iN tHe nIghT... Ohhhh gOd!! PlEase gIf mE tHe stRenghT... OnE dAy wEn u happEn tO rEad dIs bLog, dEn u'll nOe hOw i fEel, hw mUch im suFfering.. ThE reAl story oF tHis gIrl... SomEthIng thAt u Dun ReallY nOe abT me... SomEtHing tHat i nVr teLl oR shARe it wiTh u... Tell you smth that u dun noe... URe the onLi gUy dAt i'Ve evEr mEt dAt haF tHe cLoses expEctatIon daT i wAn foR my dReam gUy... MY faiRytaLe pRinCe... TruThfuLly... But i HoPe u'll b haPpy alWaEs wiF hEr & ur faMily... As loNg as uRe haPpy , i'll b haPpy tOo... SerioUsly i wIll thOught iT dOesNt sOunDs coNvinCinG... :))) JuSt liKe hOw u wAn mE To b... HappY n alWaes sMile.. THe buBbly gIrl daT uSe to b a Part oF mE... FoR nOw , i woNt waN pRomiSe u aNitHing anImoRe... WaT i nOe iS tHat i'll tRy tO kIp my pRoMise.. BuT if i hAppEn to bReak iT, i'll poSt it in my blOg... U reAd dEn u'll nOe... JuLy oNwaRds, i'll tRy tO slOwly trEat u lIke fWn tHough i noE dAT i Have tO liE to mYselF... KiP mySelf bZ wiF aniTiNg dAt i cUd .. JuS tO kiP mySelf frM miSsing u eVery nOw n Den... ThOugh i nOe i'll b lyiNg tAt i'll nVr miSs u... JuSt tHe mATter oF hw iM gOnna pLaY arD wiF mY miNd... HoW i wiSh i cUd stOp aLl tHis pReteNdiNg & lyIng & jSt b mYselF... IF tHat dAE wEre tO happEn, i'll jSt saY it'll a miraCle... GueSss i'll stOp hEre fOr noW... U've jSt stArtEd uR niTe shIft... Doing aBus & u're liKe a sMall kiD sO haPpy... I'll tRy tO stOp mySelf frM meSsaGing u tOo oFfen... TrY tO kiP u away fRom my mInd... But meMoRies wiLl alWaes b dEre wif mE... Quoted from u.. "Memories will alwaes b forever, the starry night will never change, accompany you thRu"....

tHe nEws....

wAt i dreAmt wAs tRue..
hAviNg tO loOSe u b4 2 yEars bEcamE so tRue...
fElt reLief kNowiNg it iS just a dReam...
bUttt.....
mEssaGes tuRn evErythIn doWn...
tEars stRart tO wEt tHe chEeks..
fEeling toTally lOst...
suddEnly...
1 queStion caMe acrOss tHe mInd...
y mUst evErytHing eNd sO faSt??
y muSt HE taKe awAy wAt i hAf  tHough i Cant hAf iT fOrevEr???
ohh gOd plEAse lET mE fEel rEAl haPPiNess jSt lIkE fAirytAle...

 it kEpt mE wonDer y tHe pEoplE dAt i WannA b cAnt b wIf mE...
HE kEPt taKE thEM, tHE cerTAin pEOple i REally lOVE awAY...
onLI fOr a ShoRt pEriOD wAs gIven ...
tAke iT aS a LessOn on hOw tO tReasuRe smTh pREciOUs....
oR to pRove hOw muCh lOve & cAre i hAF tO hiM ....
yOU doESt meAnt tO b mIne pHysicAlly bUt dEEp inSide uRe...

sOmethIng tHat i alWays aSk mYselF...
& thE ansWer wAs anSwerEd...
iN tHis pIece oF soNg....

How do I keep a rainbow?
How do I hug a summer of wind?
The stars in the sky laugh at the people on the ground
I could never understand, I could never be satisfied

f I fall in love with your smile
How do I collect it, how do I keep it?
If your happiness is not for me
Will letting you go actually mean having you?

When the wind blows and the kite flies to the sky
I will pray for you, bless you, and be touched because of you
When you finally disappear in the crowd
I discover smiling while crying hurts the most

That day, you and I, on that hill
We were singing that song from that year
That kind of memory is all I need
Enough for me to taste the loneliness everyday

Contentment lets me withstand heartbreak

fAIrYtaLE LieS tOO MuCH...

I've forgotten how long it has been
since I've never again...
listened to you telling your beloved fairytale
I've thought for a long time
I start to panic
have I done something wrong?

You said to me with full of tears
Inside the fairytale are all lies
I can't possibly be your prince
Maybe you can ever understand
You said I love you ever after
The stars in my sky has lightened up

I'm willing to be
that angel you love inside the fairytale
Spread up my hands
become the wings to protect you
You must believe
believe that we can be like that in the fairytale
prosperity and happiness is the ending

You said to me with full of tears
Inside the fairytale are all lies
I can't possibly be your prince
Maybe you can ever understand
You said I love you ever after
The stars in my sky has lightened up
I'm willing to be
that angel you love inside the fairytale
Spread up my hands
become the wings to protect you
You must believe
believe that we can be like that in the fairytale
prosperity and happiness is the ending

I want to be
that angel you love inside the fairytale
Spread up my hands
become the wings to protect you
You must believe
believe that we can be like that in the fairytale
prosperity and happiness is the ending

I will be
That angel you love inside the fairytale
Spread up my hands
become the wings to protect you
You must believe
believe that we can be like that in the fairytale
prosperity and happiness is the ending

Let's write our ending together

BUT WILL THIS REALLY HAPPEN AS IN WILL THE ENDING BE WAT WE REALLY PLAN IT TO BE?? I WONDER.....